I have a boyfriend who grew up with me.
His name is Jin.
I always thought of him as a friend until last year,
when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I
fell in love with
him.
Before that trip was over,
I took a step and confessed my love for
him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers,
but we loved each other in different ways.
I always concentrated on him only,
but by his side, there were so many other girls.
To me, he was the only one, but to him,
maybe I was just another girl Jin,
do you want to go watch a movie?
I asked. Jin: “I can’t” Why? You need to study at
home?
I felt disappointment grabbing me.
No I am going to meet a friend. He was always like
that.
He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing.
To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word “love” only
came out from my
mouth.
Since I knew him, I had never heard him say “I love
you”
before. To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all.
He didn’t say anything from the first day and it
continued till 100
days,
200days Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just
hand me a doll,
everyday, without fail. I don’t know why
Then one day… Me: Um, Jin, I… Jin: What?don’t
drag, just say…
Me: I love you. Jin: you…um, just take this doll and
go home.
That was how he ignored my three words and handed me
the doll.
Then he disappeared, like he was running away.
The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my
room, one by one.
There were many… Then one day came, my 15th year old
birthday. When I
got up in the morning,
I pictured a party with him,and stranded myself in my
room,
waiting for his call.But …lunch passed, dinner
passed…and
soon the sky was dark he still didn’t call. It was
already tiring
to look at the phone anymore.Then around 2am in the
morning,
he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep.
He told me to come out of the house.
Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Me: Jin… Jin: Here…take this… Again, he handed
me a little doll.
Me: What’s this? Jin: I didn’t give it to you
yesterday,
so I am giving it to you now. I’m going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh? I felt so sad, I thought he would
remember my
birthday.
He turned around and walked away like nothing had
happen.
Then I shouted…“Wait…” Jin: You have something to
say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me… Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me I put my pathetic self behind and clung on
to him.
But he just said simple cold words and left.
“I don’t want to say that I love someone so easily,
if you are desperate to hear it,
then find someone else.” That was what he said.
Then he ran off. My legs felt numb…and I collapsed
to the ground.
He didn’t want to say it easily… How could he!. I
felt that…
Maybe he is not the right guy for me…After that day,
I stranded myself at home crying, just crying.
He didn’t call me, although I was waiting.
He just continued handing me a little doll every
morning outside my
house.
That’s how those dolls piled up in my room…
everyday After a month, I got myself together and went
to school.
But what made the pain resurface was that…
I saw him on a street…with another girl…
He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed
me…as he
touched the doll… I ran straight back home and
looked at the dolls in
my room,
and tears fell… Why did he gave these to me??
Those dolls are probably picked out by some other
girls
In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around.
Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him.
He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my
house.
I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus
stop.
I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him,
that it’s
going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a
big doll.
Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?
I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing had
happen and
joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual Me:
I don’t need it.
Jin: What?.why? I grabbed the doll from his hands and
threw it on the
road.
Me: I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!!
I don’t want
to see a person like you again! I spitted out all the
words that were
inside me.
But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking. "I’m
sorry…
" He apologized in a tiny voice. He then walked over
to the road to
pick up the doll…
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just
throw it away!!!
But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll.
Then… Honk~ Honk~ With a loud honk, a big truck was
heading towards
him.
“Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted… But he didn’t
hear me, he
squatted down
and picked up the doll. “Jin, move!” HONK~!!
Boom! That sound, so terrifying. That’s how he went
away from me.
That’s how he went away without even opening his eyes
to say one
word to me. After that day, I had to go through
everyday with
guiltiness and
the sadness of losing him And after spending two
months like a crazy
person
I took out the dolls. Those were the only gifts he
left me since the
day we started
going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and
started to count
the days-
when we were in love… “One…two… three…” That
was how I started
to count the dolls…
“Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred and
eighty
five…” It all ended with 485 dolls. I then started
to cry again,
with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then
suddenly… “I love
you~,
I love you~” I dropped the dolls,shocked.
“I…lo…ve…you??”
I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach. “I love
you~
I love you~” It can"t be! I pressed all the dolls’
stomach as it piled
on the side.
“I love you~” “I love you~” “I love you~” Those words
came out
non-stop.
“I love you~” Why didn’t I realize that???. That his
heart was always
by my side,
protecting me. Why didn’t I realize that he love me
this much…
I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s
stomach, that was
the last doll,
the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain
on it. The voice
came out,
the on that I was missing so much… “Jo…Do you
know what today is?
We’ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know
what 486 is?
I couldn’t say I love you… Um… since I was too
shy.
If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that
I love you…
everyday…till I die…
Jo… I love you!” The tears came flowing out of me.
Why? Why? I asked
god, why do I only know
about all this now? He can’t be by my side,
but he loved me until his last minute For that… and
for that reason…
to me…
it became courage…
to live a beautiful life…
It’s better to lose your pride with someone you love
rather than
lose someone that you love with your useless Pride